be assertive

How to Be More Assertive Creating the Assertive Mindset Here are a few suggestions to get your mindset in the right place. Set boundaries. The first step in becoming less of a pushover is establishing boundaries. Boundaries are rules and limits that a man creates for himself that guide and direct others as to what’s permissible behavior around him. Passive men typically have no boundaries and allow others to walk all over them. Men’s counselor and author Wayne Levine calls boundaries N.U.Ts, or Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms. Your N.U.Ts are the things you’re committed to: your family, your health, your faith, your hobbies, your psychological well-being, etc. According to Levine, “N.U.T.s are the boundaries that define you as man, those things which, if repeatedly compromised, will gradually—but assuredly—turn you into a pissed-off, resentful man.” If you don’t know what your N.U.Ts are, take some time to figure it out. Once you do, make a commitment from here on out that you’ll never compromise them. Take responsibility for your own problems. An assertive man understands that his problems are his responsibility. If you see something that needs changing in your life, take action. If you’re not happy with something in your life, start taking steps — however small — to change things. Don’t expect people to read your mind. Nice Guys expect others to recognize what they need and want without having to say a word Understand you’re not in charge of how others feel or behave. An aggressive man assumes responsibility of others’ behavior and emotions by exerting his will through physical, mental, and emotional force. An assertive man recognizes that it’s not his job to control or worry about others’ behavior and that he’s only responsible for how he behaves and feels. You won’t believe how much less stress and anxiety you’ll feel once you understand this. You’ll no longer spend wasted hours wringing your hands worrying about whether someone will be happy with your choice or opinion. You are responsible for the consequences of your assertive words/actions. Asserting yourself will likely ruffle feathers, and there might be unpleasant consequences. But part of being assertive is taking responsibility for those consequences, come what may. Dealing with those consequences is far better than dealing with those of living an anxious, thwarted life. Assertiveness takes time. Don’t think you’ll magically become assertive simply by reading this article. Assertiveness takes time and practice. You’ll have good days and bad days. Just be persistent with your efforts; it will pay off. Assertiveness in Action Once you have the mindset, here’s how to actually start being assertive. Start small. If the thought of standing up for yourself makes you downright nauseous, start with low-risk situations. Once you feel comfortable in these low-risk situations, start upping the ante little by little. Say no. In your quest to become more assertive, “no” is your best friend. Start saying no more often. Will some people be disappointed when you turn them down? Probably. But remember that as long as you express your needs in a considerate way, you’re not responsible for their reaction. No need to feel guilty for treating yourself like their equal. Be simple and direct. When you’re asserting yourself, less is more. Keep your requests and preferences simple and direct. No need for elaborate explanations (see below) or meandering wind-ups. Just politely say your piece. Use “I” statements. When making a request or expressing disapproval use “I” statements. Don’t apologize or feel guilty for expressing a need/want/right. Nice Guys will feel guilty even when expressing dissatisfaction with something they’re paying for! Use confident body language and tone. Look confident when making a request or stating a preference. Stand up straight, lean in a bit, smile or keep a neutral facial expression, and look the person in the eye. Also be sure to speak clearly and loudly enough to make your point. . You don’t have to justify/explain your opinion/choices. Rehearse. Play out the scenario in which you plan to assert yourself. Sure, it’s goofy, but practice what and how you’ll say in front of a mirror. It helps. Be persistent. You’ll sometimes face situations when people will shoot you down the first time you make a request. . Stay cool. If someone disagrees or expresses disapproval of your choice/opinion/request, don’t get angry or defensive. Either give a constructive response or decide not to engage with the person any further. Pick your battles. A common mistake many people make who are on the path to being more assertive is to try to be assertive all the time. Assertiveness is situational and contextual. There may be cases when being assertive won’t get you anywhere and taking a more aggressive or passive stance is the better option. H Dr. Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons, authors of Your Perfect Right, provide a few questions to consider before choosing to be assertive: How much does it matter to you? Are you looking for a specific outcome or just to express yourself? Are you looking for a positive outcome? Might asserting yourself make things worse? Will you kick yourself if you don’t take action? What are the probable consequences and realistic risks from your possible assertion? How to Deal With People Who Are Used to Mr. Doormat If you’ve been a pushover for most of your life, the people around you will likely resist your efforts to become more assertive. They’re used to you being a doormat and are comfortable with a relationship dynamic that has you in the passive role. Don’t get angry or frustrated if your family, friends, and co-workers question or even try to thwart your new assertive approach to life. That’s a completely normal response. Just remember that while the short-term kerfuffles that come with being assertive may be annoying and awkward, you and those around you will be better off in the long-run.