Here are some tips you can use to help yourself become more assertive. 1. Make eye contact and use confident body language If you want to be taken seriously in the world, you need to make eye contact with people. It’s true. When you don’t make eye contact, people unconsciously read your body language as weak. And you also need to walk with purpose and stand upright. The only way to ensure these things happen is to practice them in your everyday life, especially the eye contact. When people are speaking to you, look at them. When you are speaking with others, look at them. This takes practice if you are not used to it and it WILL feel uncomfortable. But practice makes perfect. 2. Practice conversations out loud When you are practicing conversations out loud you are actually visualizing a moment. Visualizing moments before they happen make them far more likely to end in your favor. Studies show that visualization is about as powerful as real practice. So basically, if you visualize things, and in this case verbalize them to yourself, you are far more likely to be assertive in person. I do this in the car all the time and have been doing it for years. In fact, I credit visualization with my sound negotiation skills. I wouldn’t be as assertive or persuasive without it. 3. Remember the worst thing someone can say is no There is lots of fear behind being assertive. Assertiveness if only expressing your needs and feelings to others. If you are asking someone for something, the worst thing that can happen is they say no. Not getting what you want is not the worst thing in the world. Sometimes its for the best. But if you never ask, you can never get what you need anyway. So ask! 4. Think of your kids I’ve heard several parents tell me they don’t want their kids to be as shy as them. But kids learn behavior from their parents and if their parents are shy, they are far more likely to emulate that behavior. So if you want your children to be more assertive than you, you need to start role modeling that behavior to them. 5. Assertiveness is healthy Assertiveness is a very healthy communication style. It’s the opposite of passive aggressiveness which is a very unhealthy communication style. People who are passive aggressive have far more stress in their lives which leads to the type of diseases stress can bring. When you are assertive you are owning your emotions and needs and being up front with everyone, which breeds more trust, confidence, and likeability with others. No one really respects passive aggressive people because it’s unhealthy behavior for all of us. 6. Don’t sweat the small stuff If you are new to being assertive, you may feel like you need to get your way all the time or it just feels icky. Well, just be realistic with things. You are never going to get your way all the time. And honestly, if you actually got your way all the time, you wouldn’t be happy. Happiness comes with hard work and sometimes hearing NO is better for you. Don’t go “apeshit” over something small. Remember not everything is worth fighting over, and if it’s not really a big deal, let it go. I only “throw down” for things that are worth my time. If it’s not really worth your time, move on. 7. The only thing in your control is your actions At the end of the day, the only thing you have control over is your own actions. Even though we perceive we have more control than that, we really don’t. We can influence people, but they have their own free will. And trust me, you don’t really want the responsibility of controlling everything and everyone. It’s emotionally draining. When you are asserting yourself, remember you have control over only yourself. You are more powerful when you understand that. It means to get what you want, you need to be far more convincing OR worthy in others eyes to achieve your goal. Recognizing this will make you far more respectful of others, because you need others to get what you need. People are far less likely to help you out if you are disrespectful to them, so don’t be an ass. 8. Remain calm Assertiveness has nothing to do with yelling or calling people names. Assertive people are able to express their feelings and needs in a calm, rational manner. The second you lose your temper, you lose control of the situation AND you lose respect. Losing respect makes you far less likely to get what you want. It’s the people who remain calm under pressure that are the ones people look up to. We have confidence in them because we know they can take the heat. When people have confidence in you, they are far more likely to side with you. 9. Think before you speak Being reactionary is the opposite of being assertive because again you have lost control. Before you open your mouth, think about what you are going to say. Try to phrase it in a way that is not overly emotional and use “I” words instead of “you” words. So instead of saying “you are wrong” say “I disagree.” The person who is confident enough to rely on “I” words in a conversation is actually the stronger one. 10. Write it down Some people need to practice being assertive by writing things down first before they do it in person. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, we are bloggers…this is common. I actually know some controversial bloggers that are very shy in person and you would never know that by reading their blogs. There isn’t anything wrong with that either. You have to start somewhere. You can start with your own blog.